Arin: Hey I’m Grump! Dan: I’m Not So Grump! Both: And we’re the Game Grumps! Arin: Hi, welcome to Game Grumps. Dan: Arin just started this session by saying “I have swollen lymph nodes” and then just started Game Grumps And I’m like “I have so many questions!” Arin: I don’t know what lymph nodes are, first of all. Dan: They’re the nodes that hide under your lymphs. Arin: What are lymphs? Dan: They’re the place where your nodes are! Arin: This really cleared up a lot for me! Both: *laughing* Arin: How does he not see me? Dan: I don’t know. Arin: These guys are dumbasses. Dan: Yeah. Arin: So I’m here storming Hyrule Castle Arin: Hoping for a delicious meal –
Wow, okay! Dan: You just got a delicious meal of fucking, flaming torch sword to the face. Arin: Ha ha! Dan: Damn! Arin: You motherfucka! I got a steared- seared prime steak because I lit that bitch on fire! Dan: Ew, you’d eat fucking moblin meat? Arin: Yeah, why not? Arin: What’s wrong with moblin meat? Arin: I think it was just sittin’ around. Dan: Like if it was – Dan: You just had it on his person. Arin: Well I think this was… because this is like the dinning room. Dan: Right Arin: So I think it was just sittin’ around some king, Probably just left it out in the open. Dan: I’m sure that turkey’s still good. Arin: Yeah. Dan: Being there since the castle fell. Arin: The “Question Mark Turkey”. Dan: Yeah. The “Raw Turkey”. *Arin laughing* Dan: Mhmm! Arin: Yum yum!
Dan: What is this, Dan: A hundred years old? Excellent! Arin: I’ve never gotten a Razor Shroom in this playthrough, are you kidding me? Arin: Woah dude, watch out, he’s gonna get me! (Sarcastically) Arin: Ohhhhh! Arin: Watch out dude, he’s really gonna get me! (Sarcastically) Dan: Actually they do have a uh..
Arin: Ohhh! *Dan laughing* Dan: You had to talk shit.
Arin: He got me. Dan: You had to talk shit, didn’t you? Arin: Well, it saved right before I went in there, probably. Dan: *sighing*
Oh boy. Arin: Uhhh. Arin: I just wanted a – I just wanted a delicious snack from the room, but – Dan: Yeah. Arin: – these guys. Dan: You did it. Arin: I didn’t know I had to pay a fucking toll. Dan: Unless your plan was to get a fucking raw, hundred year old turkey and then be murdered, Dan: I wouldn’t say things went according to it. Arin: What if that was my plan? Dan: Well then, you nailed it. Arin: Everything was great!
Dan: You crushed it. Arin: I got a big smile on my face because everything went exactly how I wanted it to go. Dan: *makes a weird sound*
Arin: Look, it even saved my progress from killing that guy. Arin: And I got a Big Hearty Truffle out of it. Soooo.
Dan: It’s the same Big Hearty Truffle you got before. Arin: I don’t think that’s accurate.
Dan: *laughs* Arin: Ah! Arin: Aww, did he fall over? Dan: Mmmm. Your Steel Lizal Bow is damaged. Arin: Yeah, well, that’s his problem. Dan: I used to have two little anole lizards when I was a kid And they were named Lizzy and Lizel. And they fucked, once.
Arin: As pets?! Dan: Yeah, they were awesome. Dan: I – not all of us grew up in Florida where those things just stick on your door. *laughs* Arin: They sure do. Dan: Aw, man, I had never seen one – um – before, until I saw one like at a pet store in the mall and I was like *whispers* “Oh my God, I love them. They’re like little mini Godzillas.” Arin: Yeah. They are. And they do the little *wohm* with their throat. Dan: Yes! And it gets all red and puffy.
Arin: Yeah. Dan: To attract a mate. That’s what Lizel used to do. He’d be like *makes throaty noises* Arin: *laughs*
And Lizzy would be like “Oh, fuck yeah.” *laughs* Arin: God, look at that fucking plumage. Dan: And I’m like, you guys – You’re both in a fu- you’re the only living things in a little plastic cage that’s the size of my foot. Arin: Yeah, but you know what – Dan: You don’t need the courtship. Arin: No, but, you know, it’s like – if you’re like, married and you’re just sittin’ around –
Dan: *laughs* Arin: Sometimes it’s like: “Hey, you wanna…” and it’s like “Hehe, yeah, I’mma do a little dance for ya.” Dan: Yeah, mix a little romance in there. Arin: *makes trumpet noises* And then you’re like –
Dan: Nothing wrong with that. Arin: shit, baby. Like, you gotta get the gears turnin’. You gotta get the pumps cleaned.
Dan: Primed. Yeah.
Arin: You gotta get the gears turnin’. Dan: Yeah, that’s exactly right. I was watching an interview with Geddy Lee, lead singer of Rush, and he was saying – he’s been married to his wife for, I think, fourty years now. Arin: And did he? Dan: What? Arin: Did he Geddy Lee? Dan: I don’t even know what that means. But fine, we’ll move on.
Arin: *laughs* And they asked him like, how are you, like, what’s it like to be in a relationship that long? And he was like “My wife and I – I’m always very careful, even after all this time to treat and think of my wife as a girlfriend. Instead of as a wife.” Um, and he was like, that’s very important so you don’t take them for granted, you know? Wow. Damn. Arin: I mean, I just – I just treat my wife like a person. Dan: Also that. Arin: Cause I respect people. Dan: Yeah, alright, don’t – don’t take the high road where the road was already high. Both: *laugh* Arin: Well, I’m just sayin’, I don’t have to, like, well, you know, it’s like fuckin’ – Dan: No, that wasn’t directed at you, I was just like, thinking like it’s kinda – It was a cool way to look at it. Speaking as someone who’s never been in a relationship that’s been longer than like, three years? Like, the idea that um – someone would, uh, be in one for fourty –
Arin: Wanna hang out with you? Dan: Ouch! Arin: No! I’m not – Dan: Oh, God, Arin.
Arin: No, I didn’t mean it – Dan: Oh! The – Arin: That wasn’t a slight, that was a –
Dan: The straighted edge of your truth sword
Arin: *laughs* Dan: is hurting my soul hard. Arin: I was just saying, like, you know, I can’t imagine somebody wanting to hang out with me for fucking fourteen years, but lo and behold, somebody did. Dan: Yeah. Arin: So that’s pretty cool. Dan: And you got me, too! I mean, we’re only like six or seven years deep but I’d go another seven. Arin: Yeah, but I don’t live with you. Dan: Yeah, I mean, it only feels like –
Arin: I don’t come home everyday and be like: “What’s uuuup?” Dan: You do sometimes. Sometimes you show up at my house and you’re like: “What’s uuup?” And I’m like… I don’t love you. *laughs* Arin: *whispers* “How could you say that?
Dan: *laughs* Dan: Sorry. You promised you’d never say it in front of the lovelies. Arin: You’re being a real meanie right now.
Dan: (laughing) I’m sorry. Arin: I don’t want to bring our bedroom courting –
Danny: *laughs* Arin: into the *laughs* fucking *both laugh* Arin: You’re really embarrassing me right now.
Dan: Oh, man. Sorry. Yeah, our nonexistent bedroom troubles *laugh* Arin: Look at all this shit, dude! Oh my God, Royal Guard’s Shield! Dan: You’d think they would’ve bothered to plunder this place in a hundred years. Arin: Naw man, who’s gonna plunder it, the fucking Moblins? They don’t know shit. Dan: Yeah, that’s what I mean. Arin: They just stand around and don’t eat the food that’s right in front of them. Dan: Yeah, I know. It’s like they took the place over and they were like “Leave the weapons and the food.” We’ll just kinda wander around for a while. Arin: We’ll just use the cool air, I guess.
Dan: Yeah. And make sure that this place falls into a state of disrepair. Arin: Yup, doing a great job at it! Arin: I’m looking around and this disrepair is getting on. Dan: What are the little floaty red things? Arin: Evil. Dan: Yeah, is that just what it is? Arin: I think it’s just concentrated evil. Dan: Yeah. Those little evil chunks. Arin: Just sort of having it’s way with the place. Dan: Just evil flakes, floating in the air.
By the way – Arin: Just imagine the scenario if there weren’t evil hanging around everywhere. Dan: not a good breakfast cereal, evil flakes. Arin: Aaah!
Dan: Kellogg’s, that was a misstep for them. Arin: If you put a little sugar on it – Dan: Well. Then it’s not so evil, is it? Arin: No. Then it’s tasty. Dan: Yeah. Arin: Tasterific. Dan: It’s like fucking Grape-Nuts. Arin: Mmmm. Dan: You put sugar on those jams and you’re like oooh, now it’s like sugarcoated pebbles that are breaking my teeth. Arin: I love Grape-Nuts. Hey, you gotta let them soak in the milk for a little bit
Dan: You sure do.
Arin: so they’re not so hard and hard. Dan: Grape-Nuts are incredible, dude. Their soaking potential – Like, you can put three Grape-Nuts – which are each the size of, you know Uh – just – just – what are they the size of? Just the smallest pebble in the ocean. Um, you can put three at the bottom of your bowl and then pour in a gallon of milk and just wait two seconds and it’s like *slurping sound* And then you just have three spongey ass Grape-Nuts
Arin: *laughs* Dan: at the bottom of your bowl. Arin: Three spongey ass Grape-Nuts. I’ll eat them all!
Dan: Yeah. Arin: I’ll eat – dude, have you ever fucking – Okay, so I’m like, I’m doing the calorie counting thing right now. Dan: Okay. Arin: Cause I’m like fuck it, why not try some other stuff?
Dan: Sure. Arin: Um. And it’s fine, whatever. But uh, I’m like, what foods can I eat, but like in regulation – I’m like, what about cereal? So I’m fucking – I pour myself a bowl of cereal without looking at the – Well, I did, I looked at the calories –
Dan: *laughs* Arin: And it’s like –
Dan: I counted, I counted them. Arin: And it’s like a 120 or something, and I’m like that’s nothing!
Dan: Is that – okay. Arin: So I pour myself a bowl, I ate it and then I looked at it again and the serving size is like a fourth of a cup.
Dan: *laughs* Arin: So the cereal that I had ended up being like fucking 500 calories or something like that. Dan: Is that a lot? Arin: Yeah, well, the daily recommendation is 2000. Dan: Okay. Arin: And my TDE is about 2200. Dan: What does that mean? Arin: It means how much you burn during the day just by existing. Dan: Okay. Arin: Because I’m a bit fat man, 6’2″ –
Dan: *laughs* Arin: I weigh 220 pounds. Dan: Okay. Arin: So, uh – I require a lot of calories to operate on the levels that I operate on. Dan: Right. Arin: I walk around, I carry around this big lump of coal in my body. Dan: I eat a lot. I burn a lot of calories eating *laughs* Arin: Dude. Dan: What? Arin: You know what I fucking learned the other day?
Dan: What? Arin: Alright. This is gonna blow your fucking mind. Dan: I’m ready, I’ve got my helmet on. Arin: This is gonna rock your dick off, dude. Dan: Hold on, let me lay some fucking paper towels down on the couch (laughing) Arin: Hold on, hold on. I’m serious though. Dan: for when my brains are – Arin: This is gonna – this is gonna like, make your dick shatter in two. Dan: Oh, well. Let me layer uh, some extra paper towels, then. /s Arin: This is gonna flatten your skull so that your brain is on a one dimensional plane. Dan: Oh my God, I’ll go two ply. /s Arin: Where do you think –
Dan: Uhu. Arin: when you lose weight, where do you think it goes? Dan: Into heaven? Arin: But seriously though. Dan: When you lose weight? Arin: Where does it go? Dan: I thought it just – …I don’t know. Arin: Did I ju – Fucking Siri. It’s – Oh.
Dan: *laughs* Arin: Oh, it’s because I said ‘seriously’. Dan: Oh! *laughs* Arin: Okay.
Dan: Is Siri sticky, is that why you threw her down? Arin: What? Dan: Is that why you threw Siri down, cause – Arin: No, because I said ‘seriously’. Dan: Ooooh. Arin: and then she thought I was talking to her. Dan: No, but you threw the phone down after you picked it up, like in a very like ugh kind of way. Arin: No, because I didn’t want to deal with her. Dan: Oh, okay. Arin: I don’t want to deal with her fucking bullshit.
Dan: I thought it was sticky, cause when I walked in to the Grump room today, you were like, “Dude, everything is sticky, man.”
Arin: *laughs* Dan: “And I don’t know why.” Dan: I was like, I don’t know either Arin, I haven’t been here in days! Arin: Pretty sure it had to do with the half opened can of Monster that like was dripping – And it wasn’t mine, by the way, I know that’s the – Dan: The first thing that people are gonna say.
Arin: Yeah. Arin: Okay, okay, okay, back to the topic at hand.
Dan: Okay. Arin: Where do you think uh it goes? Dan: I don’t know, I never really thought about it, I just thought it’s – it just kinda vaporizes. Arin: Okay, but, wh – but if you had to guess? Dan: If I had to guess?
Arin: Yeah. Dan: I don’t know, my guess is it will probably make me sound stupid. Arin: No. Dan: Wouldn’t it just be converted into energy? Arin: Well – because nobody gets it right.
Dan: Okay. Arin: Because it’s so weird. Dan: Where does it go? Arin: Guess! Dan: You poop it out? Arin: No. Dan: Do you…poop it in? *both laugh* Arin: And you were afraid of sounding stupid!
Dan: *laughs* Yeah, tell me. Arin: You breathe it out. Dan: No shit!
Arin: Yeah! Dan: You breathe out fat?
Arin: Yes! Isn’t that nuts? *panting sounds by Dan* Arin: Exactly – well, so, if you do that, you’re just hyperventilating. Dan: Damnit. Arin: So, what cardio does, whenever somebody says like, you know if you’re working out to lose weight, do something that makes you breathe heavy.
Dan: Okay. Arin: Because your body needs the oxygen, right. Dan: Mhm. Arin: So, if you’re just breathing like that, it’s like your body’s not using that. You’ll end up giving yourself a headache.
Dan: Right. Arin: But if you’re breathing heavy because your body needs more oxygen, then it’ll use that oxygen and you won’t get a headache from breathing heavy. Dan: Get out of here. Arin: See what I’m saying? Um. But anyway. Yeah! So fat is like a really simple chemical compound. It’s like carbon and hydrogen or some shit, and then when oxygen is introduced to it, it gets converted into, uh, carbondioxide and water. Dan: Wow. Arin: Yeah! Like fucking, like straight up chemistry. Dan: I – wha – I’m sure that’s why sex burns so many calories, too cause you’re doing all that heavy breathing.
Arin: Yeah. Dan: Woah. Arin: Isn’t that nuts?
Dan: Yeah. Next time I’m with a girl and she’s breathing heavily on my person, I’m gonna be like: “Yeah, breathe your fat unto me.” Arin: But so, okay, so – Dan: This took a weird turn.
Arin: Where the fuck am I going? Okay, so. It’s actually 85% br – uh – air and or carbondioxide and then 15% water, and nobody knows what water that is. If it’s sweat, if it’s pee, whatever, they haven’t figured that out yet. Arin: But –
Arin: So if you lost ten pounds 8.5 pounds of that is just fucking – you breathed it out. Dan: What – uhm –
Arin: Isn’t that nuts?
Dan: Where did you learn this? Arin: Uh, it was a TED talk. Dan: No shit!
Arin: Yeah. Dan: Wow.
Arin: The science of losing weight. Isn’t that nuts?
Dan: That is superfascinating and weird.
Arin: It’s so cool! It – it – it – so that’s why when you like wake up in the morning, you’re like “Oh shit, I lost like fucking 2 pounds in my sleep.”
Dan: Mhm. Arin: Cause you’re just breathing for 8 hours. Dan: So I’m – I’mma –
Arin: *mutters* Wow, what the fuck am I doing, man? Dan: That’s an excellent question. You are really retracing your steps here. Um. Maybe through that opening? Arin: Yeah. I think I’m gonna try that. Dan: Um. Yeah, like – and I’m pretty much skinny to the point where it’ll be dangerous for me to lose any more weight. So maybe I just need to stop breathing!
Arin: Yeah, you should – yeah. Dan: Maybe that’s the healthiest choice.
Arin: Put a kibosh on that shit.
Dan: Yeah. Arin: Cause…Lord knows we don’t need breathing. /s Dan: Here I go. *Dan inhales* Arin: Thank God. Dan (while holding breath): Oh, I can actually feel myself getting fatter. Arin: Yeah, man. It’s uh – it’s heavy shit. Dan: Are you – oh, boy. You’re close to Ganon. Arin: I’m close to Ganon, dude.
Dan: Oh my God, so exciting.
Arin: Calamity is almost right around the corner. *both chuckle* Dan: That’s what my horoscope said today! *Arin laughs* Arin: Uh, you’re a pisces and it says “good luck and fortune will bestow upon you.” Dan: “Calamity is right around the corner!” Arin: I’m a capricorn and it says “Death and forever sadness will always be there for you in a pinch.” *Dan laughs* Arin: Ow! A pinch! Dan: Leonardo DaPinchi!
Dan: Our pet hermit crab. I fucking love that shit. I still think about that every now and then and giggle. Arin: Leonardo Da Pinchi.
Dan: Yeah! *Dan giggles*
Arin: It’s something I said and I forgot. Dan: Yeah, I believe so, actually.
Arin: Hahaha, goddamnit. Arin: Why don’t I have a fucking handle on the funny shit that I say? Dan: Why – why –
Arin: Everything I remember is like, man, I wasn’t funny that day. And then you bring up something and you’re like “Man, I remember this one time you were funny.” *Dan laughs* Arin: And I’m like, why don’t I remember that?! Dan: I remember hundreds of thousands of times you were funny. Arin: Like, name one?! Dan: Game…Grumps.
*Arin laughs* *Arin makes buzzer sound* Dan: Oh, boy. Arin: Game Grumps is not funny, Dan.
Dan: Uh-oh, uh-oh. Arin: There’s nothing funny about Game Grumps (laughing). Dan: Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, look out. Oooh, I’m scared. Arin: Aaaah! Arin: There it goes.
Dan: Oooooh. Arin: Oooooh.
Dan: That was just in time. Arin: That sucked for you. Dan: Whew! Arin: Dan, Game Grumps is no joke, okay!
Dan: Okay. Arin: It’s not just a thing you can make jokes about. You can giggle over. Dan: Oh, there’s the eye. Arin: It’s the eye of Saruman. Dan: Sauron, but it’s okay. Arin: I’ve – I’ve – *laughs* Dan: There actually is another character named Saruman – Arin: George Clinton? Dan: in, in the Lord of the Rings, so. Arin: Is there somebody named George Clinton? Dan: Uh, no –
Arin: Did we talk about this?
Dan: – he was in Parliament Funkadelic. Arin: Okay, yeah, we talked about him.
Dan: Yeah, you might be thinking of George Clinton. Arin: Have we talked about uh – Randall Wilson? Dan: Who’s that?
Arin: Exactly, who is that? Dan: Next time on Game Grumps.
Arin: Just a name I made up. Dan: Oh, boy. Arin: Look at how close to Calamity Ganon I am!
Dan: Oh my God! That’s exciting! Arin: I’m about to get zapped! Dan: Yeah. Dan: You’re about to –
*Arin yelling* Arin: Here we go.
Dan: Look how close to Ganon I’m about to die. Arin: Oooooh, no, more zappies!
Dan: No, drop down the thing! Oh, you’ll never make it. Arin: Ooooooooh!
Dan: What a terrible idea. Bye!
Arin: Drop down what thing? Arin: Aaaaah! *Dan laughing*
There’s lasers coming at me from every which way! Dan: There – holy shit. Arin: Oooh.
Dan: Okay. Arin: Next time, we’re gonna walk up down the scary corridor.
Dan: Oh my Lord. *tv zap* Arin: He’s my Lord too, Dan. Or she. Dan: Good. *both chuckle*