-Now, it is flu season
right now. So, if any of you cough,
I’m calling security. [ Laughter ]
I’m just kidding. [ Laughter ] But I’ve noticed that here in
L.A., when anyone gets sick, they have 17 different ways
to fix it, and none of them are medicine. [ Laughter ] Instead, they turn to crystals
and sage and spiritual guidance, which are somehow sold
at Urban Outfitters. [ Laughter ] Do you really trust
a soul cleanser that was sold next to
a mug with boobs on it? [ Laughter ] Who here is into crystals?
Don’t be shy. Raise your hands.
Make some noise. [ Scattered cheers ] Why aren’t you making the noise?
You’re not proud of yourselves? [ Crowd cheers ]
See, I’m not convinced. I mean, I did want to try it,
so I went to a store and they told me that I couldn’t
choose a crystal. The crystal had to choose me. [ Laughter ] So I stood there for 30 minutes
and it turns out that men on Tinder and crystals
have a lot in common. [ Laughter and applause ] Thankfully, I have friends
who give me crystals as gifts. Thank God.
[ Laughter ] I don’t know what I would do
without them. [ Laughter ] And did you know that you have
to charge crystals? Did you know this?
-Yes. [ Laughter ] -Sorry!
[ Laughter ] One of my friends gave me
a crystal charging station. Yep, which is great because,
I mean, there is nothing worse than
trying to heal yourself and realizing that
you’re crystal is at 10%. [ Laughter ]
The worst. [ Applause ]
The worst. It’s also really frustrating
because you can have a crystal that’s working great and then
a newer crystal comes out and then suddenly your old
crystal starts freezing. And you’re like, “I’m not going to pay $800
just to get a new crystal. Oh, wait. It has three cameras?
Okay, I’m in. I’m in. I’m in.” [ Applause ] I guess when it comes to
crystals, I’m like J-Lo. I’m not fooled by the rocks
that I got. [ Cheers and applause ] Facts. Astrology is another big thing
that people believe in. They’ll use it for guidance,
for support, even for an excuse. I mean, you can’t be on trial
for murder and say, “I plead not guilty, Your Honor. Because Mercury was, like,
totally in retrograde. Okay? It wasn’t my fault.
It wasn’t even my fault.” It’s ridiculous! Everyone gets so paranoid about
Mercury being in retrograde. [ Laughter ] Like, fam, it’s 48,000,000 miles
away from Earth. [ Laughter ] I’m pretty sure you
getting the flu has less to do with another planet
and more to do with the fact that you made out with everyone at the office Christmas party,
Emily. Retrograde? Please.
[ Laughter ] Colonics is another big trend. Y’all heard of this? Colonics?
-Yeah. -Let me tell you, that’s where
people try to cleanse their body from toxins by having a hose
stuck up their butt and pumping in coconut water. Yeah. Then, and this is real,
they make you watch days worth of poop
go through a clear glass tube as it exits your body. I mean,
they definitely didn’t have to make that tube see-through. That was a choice. [ Laughter ] You’re insane! Now, I don’t know
if colonics work or not, but we can all agree
it’s a load of crap. [ Laughter and applause ] See what I did there? You see what I did there? Because of the butt,
the hose in the butt. Do you get it?
[ Laughter ] There are so many other
wellness fads. There’s burning sage, essential
oils, cupping, and acupuncture. Yeah, because nothing relaxes me
like knowing 800 needles are going to be
jabbed into my flesh. [ Laughter and applause ] Plus, people are doing these
things everywhere, not just L.A. I once went to a holistic healer
in Toronto — this is true. And his office was his house. First red flag.
[ Laughter ] He made me pick
a leaf off a tree. And then he read the leaf.
[ Laughter ] And he said,
“You must have back pain.” [ Laughter ] And I thought, “That’s crazy. He knows I have back pain. And all I did was call him and make an appointment
for my back pain.” [ Laughter and applause ] Obviously! Come on! Reading the leaf? Reiki is a health trend
that’s been around for awhile but has become
more mainstream lately. Now, if you don’t know what
reiki is, it’s basically where a healer transfers
energy into your body by holding their palms over you. It’s like Eleven
from “Stranger Things.” [ Laughter ]
Oh, yeah. I mean, season two episode nine, Eleven didn’t
just close the gate. She churned my cholesterol. [ Laughter and applause ] But the first time
I heard about reiki, I was like,
“Let me get this straight. You paid a girl $200
to not touch you?” [ Laughter ]
Please, the scam. The craziest thing is that there
are people who perform reiki from across the world. Like, there’s one guy in Brazil
who will send you good vibes and visualize healing you
if you Venmo him 50 bucks. [ Laughter ]
Yeah. He was so pissed when I couldn’t
pay him because I had already given all my money
to that Nigerian prince. [ Laughter ] So, instead, I tried to
pay him with Zenmo. It’s an app where I visualize
sending him money.