Enough with the Crystals and Wellness Fads!

-Now, it is flu season
right now. So, if any of you cough,
I’m calling security. [ Laughter ]
I’m just kidding. [ Laughter ] But I’ve noticed that here in
L.A., when anyone gets sick, they have 17 different ways
to fix it, and none of them are medicine. [ Laughter ] Instead, they turn to crystals
and sage and spiritual guidance, which are somehow sold
at Urban Outfitters. [ Laughter ] Do you really trust
a soul cleanser that was sold next to
a mug with boobs on it? [ Laughter ] Who here is into crystals?
Don’t be shy. Raise your hands.
Make some noise. [ Scattered cheers ] Why aren’t you making the noise?
You’re not proud of yourselves? [ Crowd cheers ]
See, I’m not convinced. I mean, I did want to try it,
so I went to a store and they told me that I couldn’t
choose a crystal. The crystal had to choose me. [ Laughter ] So I stood there for 30 minutes
and it turns out that men on Tinder and crystals
have a lot in common. [ Laughter and applause ] Thankfully, I have friends
who give me crystals as gifts. Thank God.
[ Laughter ] I don’t know what I would do
without them. [ Laughter ] And did you know that you have
to charge crystals? Did you know this?
-Yes. [ Laughter ] -Sorry!
[ Laughter ] One of my friends gave me
a crystal charging station. Yep, which is great because,
I mean, there is nothing worse than
trying to heal yourself and realizing that
you’re crystal is at 10%. [ Laughter ]
The worst. [ Applause ]
The worst. It’s also really frustrating
because you can have a crystal that’s working great and then
a newer crystal comes out and then suddenly your old
crystal starts freezing. And you’re like, “I’m not going to pay $800
just to get a new crystal. Oh, wait. It has three cameras?
Okay, I’m in. I’m in. I’m in.” [ Applause ] I guess when it comes to
crystals, I’m like J-Lo. I’m not fooled by the rocks
that I got. [ Cheers and applause ] Facts. Astrology is another big thing
that people believe in. They’ll use it for guidance,
for support, even for an excuse. I mean, you can’t be on trial
for murder and say, “I plead not guilty, Your Honor. Because Mercury was, like,
totally in retrograde. Okay? It wasn’t my fault.
It wasn’t even my fault.” It’s ridiculous! Everyone gets so paranoid about
Mercury being in retrograde. [ Laughter ] Like, fam, it’s 48,000,000 miles
away from Earth. [ Laughter ] I’m pretty sure you
getting the flu has less to do with another planet
and more to do with the fact that you made out with everyone at the office Christmas party,
Emily. Retrograde? Please.
[ Laughter ] Colonics is another big trend. Y’all heard of this? Colonics?
-Yeah. -Let me tell you, that’s where
people try to cleanse their body from toxins by having a hose
stuck up their butt and pumping in coconut water. Yeah. Then, and this is real,
they make you watch days worth of poop
go through a clear glass tube as it exits your body. I mean,
they definitely didn’t have to make that tube see-through. That was a choice. [ Laughter ] You’re insane! Now, I don’t know
if colonics work or not, but we can all agree
it’s a load of crap. [ Laughter and applause ] See what I did there? You see what I did there? Because of the butt,
the hose in the butt. Do you get it?
[ Laughter ] There are so many other
wellness fads. There’s burning sage, essential
oils, cupping, and acupuncture. Yeah, because nothing relaxes me
like knowing 800 needles are going to be
jabbed into my flesh. [ Laughter and applause ] Plus, people are doing these
things everywhere, not just L.A. I once went to a holistic healer
in Toronto — this is true. And his office was his house. First red flag.
[ Laughter ] He made me pick
a leaf off a tree. And then he read the leaf.
[ Laughter ] And he said,
“You must have back pain.” [ Laughter ] And I thought, “That’s crazy. He knows I have back pain. And all I did was call him and make an appointment
for my back pain.” [ Laughter and applause ] Obviously! Come on! Reading the leaf? Reiki is a health trend
that’s been around for awhile but has become
more mainstream lately. Now, if you don’t know what
reiki is, it’s basically where a healer transfers
energy into your body by holding their palms over you. It’s like Eleven
from “Stranger Things.” [ Laughter ]
Oh, yeah. I mean, season two episode nine, Eleven didn’t
just close the gate. She churned my cholesterol. [ Laughter and applause ] But the first time
I heard about reiki, I was like,
“Let me get this straight. You paid a girl $200
to not touch you?” [ Laughter ]
Please, the scam. The craziest thing is that there
are people who perform reiki from across the world. Like, there’s one guy in Brazil
who will send you good vibes and visualize healing you
if you Venmo him 50 bucks. [ Laughter ]
Yeah. He was so pissed when I couldn’t
pay him because I had already given all my money
to that Nigerian prince. [ Laughter ] So, instead, I tried to
pay him with Zenmo. It’s an app where I visualize
sending him money.

100 thoughts on “Enough with the Crystals and Wellness Fads!

  1. Monologue has gotten better! Really appreciate how it's not all sex jokes! This is more in-line with family tv. First monologue liked.

  2. Okay. I am saying it. Lilly, you have a lot of good qualities as a person. But you are not funny. I have been a follower. I still might continue. But I don't find you funny. Such lukewarm humour.

  3. And when is this Fad of Lilly is Funny over too because she’s not. She literally had to yell at her audience to laugh and clap.

  4. Hey y’all, I’m a super spiritual person and believe in all sorts of that stuff, including merc rx, because, yo, micro to macro, we are molecules in the solar system. BUT CRYSTALS ARE JUST PRETTY ROCKS THAY HAVE EVOLVED TO BE TRANSPARENT. their vibration is so small compared to all the electronics around us everyday day.

  5. And if anyone is interested in sage, read the wiki page for “white sage” first! Don’t burn sage unless you know where it came from, it’s not going to help if it was stolen

  6. I don’t know where else to give a feed back for this or to give a suggestion, so I’m doing it here in the comments section, not to hate.
    Please please please get my gorgeous girl Lily a better team for her hair makeup and clothes. I’m saddened after watching her being put up in ill fitting, unflattering clothes, hair and makeup. She’s a bronze goddess! She’s so gorgeous but her team very clearly doesn’t know what to do with her body type or skin or hair. She look better in Paramjeet’s clothes then she does styled by your team.
    She’s the first woman of colour to get such a platform and she NEEDS to look as beautiful as she normally is.

  7. Wellness fads.. bleh. I like my good old sound machine because it hides the sounds of the homeless digging through the trash bin for recyclables, so i can sleep.

  8. What do you think about full moons? I've had debates about this with people. I don't believe in it, but emergency doctors and nurses, police and others see increases of incidences and psychiatric issues when there is a full moon. It might be false. I don't know.


  10. I am a fan of Lilly Singh but somehow not able to watch this show of hers. Glad she got this show.. but why does she have to be like all other show hosts.. copying their hosting, dressing styles etc.. not so funny jokes.. looking weird..by wearing oversized jackets.. horrible shoes..

  11. Anything that is not brainwashed Big Pharma bullshit is up for being made fun of. But here is an interesting fact – out of 10+ years of medical school, students only get around 4 hours of education on nutrition and food. Let that sink in for a minute. And also guess what, medical school curriculum is set by Big Pharma too.

    I rather get acupuncture and reiki than take opioids and gets addicted and run to multiple different ‘specialists’ to try to heal myself. Another scam by Big Pharma. Body is supposed to work in unison not in segregated parts. Lilly is getting annoying with horrible clothing and desperate lame comedy.

  12. still as obnoxious and boring as when she started. strangely it seems like those are her objectives, and she is succeeding.

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