Jedi Yoga 1: Namaste Wars (Full Version)


Jedi Yoga:
namaste Wars. It is a time of great unrest and guilt for those who feel they
should be doing more yoga, but worried it might be too boring or hard. Two heroes
seek to liven it up a bit. Master Null Acarya attempts to guide her
man-child student, Ram Dukkha, in the ways of Jedi Yoga. Hello, and welcome to Jedi Yoga. I hope that however
many suns rose where you are, that you are having a beautiful day! Now, we’re
going to start by finding our breath– You are late to begin your yoga training!
Yoga training?! Yo-GA?! Mmm! Mislead, I have been! Well, are you going to stay for class, or will you
be leaving? Nah, Imma Stay! Namaste to you, as well. Now, sit
and we’ll find our breath. Begin by taking your hand and placing it
on your belly. As you inhale, your belly should fill with air. Exhale and
feel your belly go in against your spine. Try a few times on your own.
*Darth Vader breathing sounds* That’s a breath I haven’t heard since… Let’s bend you into strange positions, shall we?
I’ve got a bad feeling about this! We’re gonna start by stretching
our neck. Roll your shoulders back, drop your left ear towards your shoulder. I hate stretching! It’s slow, and boring, and never gets me anywhere!
Can’t we just start
fighting? Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! A Jedi must use yoga for defense, never to attack.
Other side. Well, that all sounds great teach, but the Empire doesn’t
stretch back, they shoot back! Stretching is just a waste of time I cannot teach
him the boy has no patience was I any less annoying when you taught me
actually yeah well hey I’m right here never mind now we’re going to roll our
neck around like a BB unit scoot back tuck your right leg in leave your left
leg out should I shake it all about no raise your arms up and gently fold
over your left leg for a nice hamstring stretch Yoga is what gives a Jedi their
flexibility Jedi must move fluidly in the face of the darkside can’t move
stiffly like the Sith Vader the Emperor what about Darth Maul hmm let us not
speak of the dark times prequels besides Darth Maul was only half limber
that cuts teach other side well raise your arms up and gently fall
like Darth Maul down the shaft we cannot afford to idolize the darkside lest we
be seduced by it in yoga we will often use the support like a band or a block
to help us use good form let’s give it a try take your band loop it around your
left foot keep your right leg down against the mat lower down raising your
left foot and using the band for good form
oh speaking of bands you know what my favourite band is the max rebo band one
time they teamed up with snice noodles and put out singer khalaby neck totally
rock Jabba’s palace it was droopy McCool draw your band
across your body for a deeper stretch this stretch is getting worse all the
time pray I don’t alter it further I feeling
being treated unfairly all right release your leg back down switch to your right
leg and lift up using the band for support again love be neck right around
Cui’s yeah go cheap lofty neck keep a harbor wet checks beep
bet laughing all right drag this leg across your body digs or Z’s on lofty
neck lock your neck sing it lofty neck lock Nick take a peach lofty neck up
connect now relax it back down leaving your band to the side we’re gonna rock
three times and then sit up you be be oh and rock to sit up hey you know who else
rocks the max rebo ban we’re gonna come into our bucking bantha
hands directly below your shoulders knees directly below your hips and as
you inhale you’re going to drop your belly down lift your neck up and really
stretch through your spine and then on your exhale you’re going to round it
down drop your head down and stretch the other direction on this inhale I want
you to imagine that Jabba the Hutt has just sat on your back bowing it down and
then as you exhale round your back and imagine Jabez sliding down your tail try
a few times on your own as you inhale Java and exhale slides down your tail oh like big butts and I cannot lie you
belly owners can’t deny when gentle ones sense a disturbance all right you for
your let Paige return to neutral back for thread the Maelstrom Jabba got back
yeah yeah yeah reach out with your left fingers and thread them through your
right arm you’re making me uncomfortable only stretch to the point of gentle
tension and now reach out with your right fingers I’m haunted by the stretch
you never should have given me and back up again yeah put your feet together
knees apart sit back and reach forward for Jungian pose hey teach who do you
think of winning a fight between a Wookiee and a wampa my credits are on
the wookie you probably rip its arms out of its sockets so he got teach look your
wampa okay let’s rise like a Skywalker step to the front of the mat for our
binary Sun Salutations and inhale your arms up exhale to heart center take a
moment here to feel the force around you whole galaxy until your back is just
barely flat and we’re gonna stretch here for a moment
hey teach and you’re not thinking about doing installed some sweet rocket
boosters on my astromech droid that’d be so wizard we are not here to discuss
your droid or to exhale down like you’re a deactivated droid what if I just
switch off here please do no rude how each hand is gonna grab the opposite
elbow I’m gonna try to let your upper back and neck really unwind let’s take a
moment to nod your head yes and shake your head no no place your hands on the
mat we’re gonna step back for our barge flank and lower down
and inhale just a little bit don’t put too much weight on your hands these are
Lodi enoguh just enough to get out of the trash compactor juice sniff around a
bit what a wonderful smell you’ve discovered and we’re going to exhale
back into our addict really walk out your Atta shake off any tow cables take
that rebel scum I bet you know the Empire’s here now don’t you yakety yak
I shot deck right good step to the front of the mat just salute the second son
and inhale your arms up and exhale to heart center hey Manny he’ll up again exhale down for a deactivator charade
inhale to half back for a TST you really stretched through those front Candy’s oh
oh geez I love those guys take that you watch where’s a log when you need it exhale down hands on the mat for a barge
plank exhale down and inhale high this time trying to lift some of your body
off the ground for high you know go up high out of the water see if you can
snip at the heels of a passing storm trooper that one looks a little short to
be a storm trooper exhale back into our a dot I’m all about
that bass bout that bass no rebels step your left foot forward
back leg faces the side of the room and inhale up for our Jedi warrior one you
know hokey poses and deep breathing exercises are no match for a good
blaster at your side I wouldn’t place so much faith in your
technological marvels the power of a blaster is insignificant next to the
power of the force oh how long do I have to hold this pose for it’s been way
longer than 12 parsecs parsec is a unit of distance not time I knew that left
arm goes towards the front of the room back arm towards the back knee directly
over your ankle and hips facing the side of the room for Jedi warrior 2 I don’t
know why you’re calling this one Jedi warrior 2 should be called the Darth
Maul because he had a two-sided lightsaber doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
whoa whoa whoa take that space hippy whoa whoa you’re a quiet goner
whoa if you are Darth Maul I’m Obi 1 and that’s the chasm Shh
that cuts teach that cuts me right in two all right right arm down your leg
left arm up like you’re waiting for r2d2 to shoot a lightsaber into the air you
know felt live right Boba Fett the best bounty hunter in the galaxy the one that
captured Han Solo and froze them in carbonite well he actually escaped the
Sarlacc pit but a lot of people find that hard to digest young one
don’t Mandalorian splain me step to the front of your mat left foot back this
time facing that wall right knee directly above your ankle hips facing
forward and raise your arms for Jedi warrior one on the right side warrior
pose does not make one great no it’s the force that gives a Jedi
their power it’s an energy field created by all living things it surrounds us it
penetrates us it binds the Galaxy together what about droids can they have the
force probably not anyone have any medical ourian’s Oh split your arms to
either side its face the side of the room for Jedi warrior two on the right
side totally using the Force now I’m really good at the force I can assure
you I can like even see the force you can’t see the force sure you can under a
microscope you know midi-chlorians the tiny bacteria found in all living cells
midi-chlorians aren’t real well what kind of person make up something like
that okay for reverse Jedi warrior raise your right arm into the air drop your
left arm down your leg I’m gonna drop it like it’s hot hey teach teach you know
what the body temperature of a tauntaun is it’s lukewarm uh-huh come on don’t
leave me hanging come on rebellions are built on high fives come on yeah see I
knew you’re droopy McCool okay let’s drop down to our bad for our half barge
pose shins are going to be parallel with the mat arms out shoulders away from
your ears now aim your cannons at the deck great shot kid now don’t get cocky
little late don’t you think you know let’s blow this thing and go
home all right lower down hug your knees in two
chest and turn around a little circle to massage your back side all right
arms out to either side and you’re going to lower your legs towards the left just
hover right off the mat I’m totally using the force now that’s not how the
force works other side how would you know because I’m a Jedi Knight like my
mother before me you’re a Jedi what did you think you were doing here resistance
training this trinny these are your first steps towards becoming a Jedi
Knight what you mean I’m gonna be a Jedi only if you train hard Jedi must have
the deepest commitment the most serious mind well I’m not afraid you will be you
will be now I’m going to lie down first of asana silently relax down this is the
part of our practice where our bodies our minds really retain the lessons that
we’ve learned and when you’re ready you’re going to
wiggle your fingers and toes to awaken them master I can feel the force
awakening that’s nice when you’re ready roll over onto your side and then sit up thank you for joining me today for your
yoga practice the force and me recognizes and honors
the force again namaste and may the force be with you you

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