Meanwhile… Josh Brolin’s Butthole Is Sunburned


>>STEPHEN: HEY, EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND
“STAY HUMAN” RIGHT THERE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK FROM THE COMMERCIAL BREAK. I KNOW WE’VE GOT TO PAY BILLS,
BUT I MISS NOT BEING ON TV WHILE WE’RE ON THE COMMERCIAL BREAK. I GET LONELY.>>Jon: WE DISAPPEAR ON THAT
BREAK.>>Stephen: WE DON’T EXIST FOR
THOSE THREE MINUTES.>>Jon: RIGHT, AND THEN WE
COME BACK, YEAH.>>Stephen: I TELL YOU ANOTHER
REASON I AM SO EAGER TO GET TO TONIGHT’S GUEST. TONIGHT WE HAVE THE ONE, THE
ONLY, THE GREAT, THE TALENTED SCARLETT JOHANSSON IS GOING TO
BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: INCREDIBLE.>>Stephen: AND TONIGHT, DON’T
GO NOWHERE, WE HAVE A PERFORMANCE BY THE WEEKND COMING
UP IN TONIGHT’S SHOW. AN INCREDIBLE PERFORMANCE.>>Jon: YEAH, AMAZING, GOING
TO BE GREAT.>>Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I
SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, BUNCHING MYSELF OFF
THE NEWS HIGH DIVE, PIKING INTO A JACKNIFE, TUCKING MY SHOULDER
AT EXACTLY THE RIGHT MOMENT TO EXECUTE THE PERFECT TEN-POINT
DIVE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO YANK ON
MY WATER WINGS, TAKE A SWIG OF ROLLING ROCK, AND BELLY FLOP
INTO THE DIRTY BABY POOL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT —
>>”MEANWHILE!” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS AN ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCE, “MEANWHILE!” PEOPLE LOVE
IT. MEANWHILE, THE INTERNET IS ANGRY
OVER THE NEW HOLIDAY AD FOR THE PELOTON EXERCISE BIKE. IDEAL FOR ANYONE WHO’S LOOKED AT
A REGULAR BIKE AND SAID “I WISH THIS DIDN’T GO ANYWHERE AND
COULD SCREAM AT ME.” ( LAUGHTER )
THE AD IS TAKING A LOT OF HEAT FOR BEING BOTH UNREALISTIC AND
SEXIST BY SHOWING A HUSBAND BUYING EXERCISE EQUIPMENT FOR
HIS ALREADY VERY FIT WIFE. JIM?>>OKAY, YOU READY? NOW!>>A PELETON? ALL RIGHT, FIRST RIDE. I’M A LITTLE NERVOUS, BUT
EXCITED. LET’S DO THIS. 6:00 A.M., YAY. THAT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT. A YEAR AGO, I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW
MUCH THIS WOULD CHANGE ME. THANK YOU.>>THIS HOLIDAY, GIVE THE GIFT
OF PELETON.>>STEPHEN: WELL, I AM SHOCKED. YOUR HUSBAND BOUGHT YOU A $2,200
PELOTON, AND YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFT TO HIM WAS ONE OF YOUR INSTA
STORIES? ( LAUGHTER )
PLUS, YOU PUT IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BEST WINDOW IN THE HOUSE! THAT’S WHY WE DON’T HAVE ROOM
FOR A POOL TABLE, JANET! ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, THE INTERNET WAS SO SHOCKED THAT THERE WAS SEXISM IN
ADVERTISING, THAT PELOTON “SAW A 9% DROP IN THEIR STOCK, COSTING
THE COMPANY NEARLY BILLION DOLLARS.” THAT’S OKAY, PELOTON. YOU GOT THIS! STAY WITH ME! I’M NOT LEAVING YOU BEHIND! OKAY? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT! “DEFEAT” IS JUST ANOTHER WORD
FOR “YESTERDAY!” “FAILURE” IS NOT IN YOUR
VOCABULARY! AND, FOR NOW, NEITHER IS “PROFIT
MARGIN.” WHOO! OKAY. OKAY. NOW, HYDRATE! GOOD SESH! GOOD SESH. NOW GIVE THE KNOB A HALF-TWIST
TILL THE BLOOD IS CUT OFF FROM THE SKULL OF WHOEVER CAME UP
WITH THAT AD CAMPAIGN. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, A DRUG SMUGGLER IN ARGENTINA WAS BUSTED WITH NINE
POUNDS OF WEED IN A FAKE BABY BUMP. AUTHORITIES ALSO SEIZED A COPY
OF THE POPULAR BOOK, “WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING
NINE POUNDS OF WEED.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
SUCH A VITAL BOOK, SUCH A VITAL BOOK. MEANWHILE, “PINTEREST AND THE
KNOT, TWO OF THE COUNTRY’S —
MEANWHILE, A WORLD WAR II VETERAN WHO CREDITS HIS
LONGEVITY TO DAILY COORS LIGHT JUST TURNED 102.” IN OTHER WORDS, DRINK PLENTY OF
WATER. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
MEANWHILE, “JOSH BROLIN’S BUTTHOLE IS SUNBURNED AND HE’S
NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.” ( LAUGHTER )
STARS, THEY’RE JUST LIKE US. ( LAUGHTER )
HE LOOKS HAPPIER THAN I THINK HE WOULD! HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED. BROLIN DECIDED TO TRY OUT THE
LATEST WELLNESS TREND CALLED “PERINEUM SUNNING.” NOW, “PERINEUM” IS THE
SCIENTIFIC TERM FOR A PART OF THE BODY THAT WE ALL USE A
DIFFERENT WORD FOR, BUT I’M NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED TO SAY THAT WORD
ON CBS. I CAN USE ONLY SCIENTIFIC TERMS. SO BELIEVE IT OR NOT, CBS
PREFERS THAT I SAY IT’S “THE AREA BETWEEN THE ANUS AND THE
SCROTUM OR VULVA.” YOU’RE WELCOME, VIACOM-CBS. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HEY, THEM’S THE RULES. TAINT MY FAULT. TAINT MY PROBLEM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) PROPONENTS OF PERINEUM SUNNING
CLAIM IT’S “DERIVED FROM AN ANCIENT TAOIST PRACTICE THAT
STRENGTHENS ONE’S ORGANS, INCREASES THEIR CREATIVITY,
REGULATES THEIR CIRCADIAN RHYTHM, AND IMPROVES THEIR
LIBIDO.” PLUS, REALLY KEEPS THE NEIGHBORS
AWAY. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I’M GOING TO GUESS SCARES OFF
THE RACCOONS AS WELL. ( LAUGHTER )
I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. YOU’RE THINKING, “THAT’S GREAT,
STEPHEN, JUST TELL US WHAT’S GOING ON WITH JOSH BROLIN’S BUTT
HOLE.” ( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU FOR ASKING. WELL, AFTER HIS EXPERIMENT,
BROLIN TOOK TO INSTAGRAM AND WROTE, “MY PUCKER HOLE IS CRAZY
BURNED,” “I DON’T KNOW WHO THE (BLEEP) THOUGHT OF THIS STUPID
(BLEEP) BUT (BLEEP) YOU NONETHELESS. SERIOUSLY.” JOSH! JOSH! COME ON, MAN! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ARE YOU ACTUALLY BLAMING SOMEONE
ELSE FOR YOU SUNBURNING YOUR ANUS? OF COURSE IT’S DUMB! YOU LITERALLY LET THE SUN SHINE
“WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE.” ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S ON YOU, BROTHER WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK…

100 thoughts on “Meanwhile… Josh Brolin’s Butthole Is Sunburned

  1. RAR SEXISM!!!! x.x bangs head on desk They should make a 'prequel' to the bike commercial where the wife is lamenting that her gym shut down, where she'd workout on a bike like this while watching the news. Not everything has to be a black and white crusade.

  2. I don't see the problem with the bike ad…fit or fat, if my goal was to be healthy I would much rather have it in my home than have to drive to a gym and sit on someone else's vag or ball sweat while paying someone to yell at me.

  3. He was probably talking about how stupid Trump voters are while he was laying there sun burning his anus for "health reasons"

  4. Wait 9% is almost a billion dollars how rich is this company I’ve never heard of them if they’re making that much money that 9% is almost a billion dollars I think they’ll be fine no matter how sexist the add is

  5. Why was meanwhile showing this late in my YouTube? I’ll never know,is supposed to show up the minute they upload the damn video

  6. Perinium is that area you described. It's 'between' the a–hole and the scrotum; BETWEEN.
    It's a major Acupuncture point, that's deeply connected to all of the bodily systems and energy.

  7. If ONLY Stephen has hit the 🔉
    button to know how to pronounce “Perineum”. That would have been awesome! ˌper-ə-ˈnē-əm or Pair-ih-knee-um would be my pronunciation!

    My husband laughed at this story too, until I said, “oh! It’s probably like when you had acupuncture and you said you didn’t know if it it helped but you liked the overhead guided meditation and the hot lamp on the groin.” He stopped smiling then. Coulda happened to anyone!

  8. I see how that ad is tone deaf considering what's going on in our society… yet it's an ad, no context… what if your thin wife wanted that exact thing to help stay in shape? Weight loss and exercise are not interchangeable terms… true, people do exercise to lose weight, but anyone can exercise to stay healthy, no matter what size you are. People who got extremely offended by this ad probably need to look at their own insecurities first, in my opinion.

  9. im sure it felt good for a short while. now the joke. everyone has one, and like opinions, should not be aired in public.lolo

  10. Obviously taint-sunning has no physiological basis but I don't doubt that the sense of freedom and silliness people get from it does all those things the Taoists say it will

  11. Ok, serious question: I had no idea a colloquial synonym for “perineum” existed. Is it commonly (relatively speaking I guess) used?

  12. “Meanwhile josh Brolin’s butthole is sunburned and he’s not happy about it— stars they’re just like us” I’m weak! 🤣😂 i

  13. Colbert is another California antifa NAZI. Nothing more. All you Cali votes mean nothing. You get 55. Just like last time. LOL

  14. As your biggest fan, I can’t tell you enough how much respect I lost for you when you jumped on the bandwagon re: Americans angry for no reason about this in-home cycling class commercial. The point of the commercial was a husband giving his wife, who is athletic and wants to exercise, a gift to help her achieve her goals. It had nothing to do with telling her she needed to lose weight. Seriously, I can honestly say that I love all of your skits and every one of your nightly shows, but it was a huge mistake to jump on this bandwagon. Fat, conservative and dumb Americans are the only ones who had a problem with that commercial and you shouldn’t support their Idiocracy. They’re not even real human beings.

  15. Seriously, this is a health trend? Butt sunning? Hmm.. hate to walk in when they are in mid-afternoon sunning pose..

  16. The internet: A man buying his wife an exercise bike?? That's sexist!!

    Me: Ffs….we're gonna end up with Trump 2020 because of shit like this.

  17. I remember an ad many years ago for a motorhome that showed a man relaxing in a chair outside, enjoying the sunrise, while his wife's voice called out that breakfast was ready, as she was quite obviously slaving away inside. I remember my husband thought that the motorhome was a great idea while I responded it would happen over my dead body. Stupid ad executives.

  18. Just thinking about it makes it sound painful. Imagine after shitting and you wipe toilet paper over it. How much that'll hurt on the skin.

  19. How in the heck did this clown get his own show? Josh’s butthole is more interesting than this host…I can’t even remember his name.

  20. Every ad exec at that company is single. I have proof. "You have to get up at 5am and workout everyday now". That ended in divorce 100% of the time for anyone on that team has been in a relationship ever, including if they werent currently married or planning. Nope, its over.

  21. If this were a just world ,Gwyneth Paltrow would be begging on the streets after hundreds of millions in lawsuits, ordered to pay everything she has ever earned to the millions she has ripped off with her garbage plus damages. Absolute Garbage human, garbage product, no morals, no knowledge of anything relevant.

  22. what does it matter if shes fit or skinny ? … what does that have to do with being healthy and getting ur heart rate up once a day … so ony fat people need to exercise …. the fuck is wrong with people ?????????????????????

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